Whitehall, London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Former Prime Monster John Major has made an official complaint that his phone calls and emails are being bugged and that samples of his DNA have been found on a UK police database under an alias linked to KGB double-agents.
Major, 64, retired after masterminding New Labour's 1997 election landslide walkover and took on several lucrative sinecures including a directorship at George Bush Senior's Carlyle Group of moneylaunderers, racketeers, embezzlers and Pioneers initially dedicated to the 2000 presidential election of George W Bush.
Known to spooks throughout the cold war era by his codename of Reginald Platzki Major always played the blackmail card when foreign intelligence agencies demanded his arrest along with his accomplice, the former MI5 top spook Dame Stella Rimington.
During the last few weeks western intelligence agencies reported frantic covert activity in Major's business schedule including contacts with 'sleeper' agents long suspected of UK Hellfire Club involvement.
Then last weekend Major was spotted in a tapas bar near Marbellain Southern Spain, knocking back Tequila slammers with a mysterious Finnish redhead subsequently identified as the transvestite lover of former KGB turncoat and Plutonium 210 victim Alexander Litvinenko.
The Serious and Disorganised Crime Division at Interpol is said to be very close to springing a surprise as Major continues his travels to Crawford, Texarse this weekend.