EU Industry Commissioner Guenter Verheugen has said that Britain is being run by a group of fuddy-duddies too old and senile to adopt the metric system.
In a move that is sure to please the 'metric martyrs', who are happy in their imperial confusion, the commissioner has reluctantly told Britain that the rest of the EU doesn't give a toss anymore whether or not it ditches the imperial measurement system.
Jeremy Backwards, of the Keep Britain Olde campaign said, "This is indeed a famous victory for myself and the tons, pounds and ounces of other people who can't be arsed learning the metric system."
When asked if he thought his position was unhelpful to children habitually using the metric system, he replied, "F*!k the children! It's me I'm worried about. I didn't spend fifty years of my life learning our baffling imperial measures to have to switch to this foreign crap. I've been told it's much simpler than our system. So how the hell can it be better? Besides, the inflation on the metric system is ridiculous. What is it? Twenty-eight grams to one ounce? Can you imagine how many sprouts I'd have to buy in the metric system to get the same amount as in our beloved system. It's all bollocks I tell you."
But Mr Verheugen told The Spoof that despite the attitude of people like Mr Backwards, all was not lost: "Think about this - all those who are trying to drag your country back to the dark ages are getting on. Soon they will be dead. Then the young people can fully adopt the metric system they are used to. It will surely happen - it's just a watch and weight game. That's W-E-I-G-H-T. Get it? Who says we politicians aren't funny?"