Written by Velveeta Peron

Friday, 24 August 2007

image for Mother Theresa's Crisis of Confidence Revealed
Mother Teresa look-a-likes make good money these days

Newly released musings by love child Mother Theresa reveal a woman chewed up with uncertainty and doubt about her personal style for the last fifty years of her life.

The ancient nun's sartorial purgatory is revealed in her diaries published under the title 'Are you there, God? It's Me, Theresa.'

"I confess, I am not in the habit of dressing for success," says the nun's diary.

"This is a shocker," said fashion watcher Mr. Blackwell from a hot tub in California. "I rode the old crone pretty hard about that flannel sheet she wore all those years. I never understood she didn't know any better. I feel bad about the false piety crack in '96."

Known all over the world for her singular style of dress sense, Mother Theresa's diaries show that for five decades she 'grieved for an inability to see herself in anything other than this old thing.'

Also revealed for the first time is that Mother Theresa acquired her infamous white pashmina with the signature cornflower blue striping at a charity shop in Turin.

The diaries also show the disheveled scrunchy had launched an ambitious scheme to make herself over, befriending Diana, Princess of Wales in a tragically timed bid to 'shed the burdensome yoke of always being the ugly friend.'

"The blonde knowns how to put an outfit together, I'll give her that" Mother Theresa noted following the auction of Diana's dresses in June, 1997.

Fashion experts speculate the diaries explain Diana's cryptic comment to the press just before she died: "The next thing I do is going to surprise everybody." It is a matter of record that Diana's visit to Paris in August of that year cut short Mother Theresa's hopes for a new life and new look.

"She obviously hit the wall when Diana died and just gave up the ghost. It's another damning example of Diana's monumental selfishness," writes The Duchess of Cornwall in today's Guardian. "If she had taken that poor old wrinkly on holiday that summer instead of catting around with Omar Sharif, they'd both be alive today! Really, it puts all this 'ten years on sentiment' in rather a new light, doesn't it?"

In other news Elton John has announced plans to perform a specially rewritten version of 'Diamonds are Girl's Best Friend' during a champagne reception at the Fifth Floor bar at Harvey Nichols on 31st August.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Mother Teresa

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