Written by Dan Holmes

Wednesday, 3 March 2004

We all believed it - but now we know it's true. Essex is not part of England. It actually belongs to France.

For over a decade scientists at South Havering Institute of Technology - SHIT - have been investigating the geology, anthropology and biology of Essex. Using the latest techniques, and supported by a grant from the Centre du Recherche au Ancienne Problemes - CRAP - the scientists at the Institute have made some remarkable discoveries.

"There has always been this feeling about Essex - that it was somehow different from the rest of England", says research director Armand de Bumme. "Well, now we can prove it. All these short people in Romford - we've discovered that they're actually French Gypsies. Funny Essex place names? All French. Did you know that Colchester means "lump in your arse"? And as for personal names - well, Tracey is actually Norman French - Tract de Hy - meaning ‘Slag who dances round her campfire".

"And so it goes on. The geology of Essex is startling - all their rocks are foreign. French, in fact. How cool is that? A day in Southend is a day in St Tropez but without the passport shit. And if you stick a grape pip in the ground in Margaretting in February you'll get a bottle of Chateau Neuf du Pape in August.

"Frankly, we're baffled. Why should a hole in the ground like Essex be so favoured as to be abroad? OK, France is a bad draw - but what the hell, Essex is a good one?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: France, England




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
59 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more