The multinational energy supplier FrankensteinPower now owns 98% of the British energy market, and plans to 'take over the world' by 2008, according to a report leaked today.
FrankensteinPower - formerly SmartPrice Candles Ltd - control the lion's share of the British energy industry. F-Power's director general, Dr Fraudpants Graspwallet, revealed that his company had increased the price of electicity, gas and burnt glowing objects to over 5000 times the January value.
Speaking in front of a fire made from poor people's wooden legs, Dr Graspwallet said: "Har har har!!!", and put on a CD of frightening music. "Har har har", he repeated. "Do you take me for a FOOL??? They laughed at my plans - LAUGHED, I tell you - for a worldwide network of burning couches and bits of old lino, but they aren't laughing NOW!". Changing the CD for a recording of wolves howling at midnight, Dr Graspwallet continued: "For too long, people have been getting away with low-price energy bills. They watch their televisions, listen to their music and store their wigs in centrally-heated wig boxes, and expect people like us to subsidise them. NO MORE, I say!!! Excuse me, will you? The CD needs changing".
After replacing the disc with a 14-track album of werewolves tearing down orphanages, Dr Graspwallet insisted: "This is only the beginning! Soon, bills will be A TRILLION times higher than they are now! GONE are the days when you do your ironing in a warm bath! NO MORE of this nonsense about drying your hair, while fifty toasters are on and the radiators are set to 'high-temperature steam', and the electric lawnmower is waltzing around the garden and you've plugged your hair-curlers into the mains, and..... Har HAR!!!"
In cases of hardship, Dr Graspwallet will look into individual accounts personally. Please write to him at:
The Happy Kaleidoscope Mental Hospital