Frankenstein Wins Turner Prize

Funny story written by Captain Dopey

Wednesday, 21 December 2005

image for Frankenstein Wins Turner Prize
Baron Frankenstein

Baron Victor Frankenstein has won this year's Turner prize. The Baron, who has described his work as "life, death and the anonymous imagery of the human unconscious, all tipped into a mammoth suit", is no greenhorn reincarnation freak; his pedigree traces a bloodline from Count Henry "Look At All These Maggots" Frankenstein, the creator of ‘Frankenstein's Manifesting Psychotronic Whipsters' and the author of ‘Musique Sinistre - A Handbook For Mad Scientists‘..
The Baron's entry in this year's Turner exhibition at Tate Britain is titled ‘Dead-Goat-Dead'; it is in essence a dead goat which the Baron brought back to life, accompanied down the Rhine and then shot. He rationalizes the death element as ‘the death element, only not; but still……' and illustrates this aspect by ‘not being dead himself‘, or as he puts it, ‘breathing regularly'. According to Tate curator Oswaldo Sham-Bogus: "The Baron is quintessentially concerned with the rapidity with which form can metamorphose into form and life into death; his gift is the ability to empathize with ‘the goat as goat', and in this respect he succeeds - and yet……………………………".
Sir Nickelodeon Q. Molecules, director of the Tate and chair of the judges - or is he? - praised all of the entrants for a "powerful illustration of British art at its most powerful, and the opportunity for me to use the word ‘powerful' in a totally glib, global, nebulous and vague manner". Sir Nick said that the Tate would "continue to speak for the tacitly and vividly immobilized", even if they had "no idea that I am constantly on huge doses of LSD".
Baron Frankenstein - whose latest Rap album ‘Raise The Roof (There's A Storm A-Comin')' is available on Lightning Records - is not without his detractors in Arts circles. As Lord Lockheed Ponce, whose post as the Protector of the People's Pool Of Picky and Persnickety Paintings brings him into proximity with proprietors of the Prize past and present, put it: "The portrayal of these pictures of preposterous pretentiousness portents a pitiful prospect for the potential progression of putative practitioners. And I don't use those words lightly".
The Baron defends his work as an "aide memoire to the Human Race in general - and those who go around poking in graveyards in particular - that things are never as they seem. What you see is not always what you get. At this juncture I'm thinking primarily of my wife, Albert. They…. They never told me it was a Drag Club…… Although she is very good at carrying pianos". Indeed it was a chance encounter with a piano, which landed on the infant Baron's head after falling from a twentieth-floor window, which established his lifelong passion for the Arts: "I was never the same after the piano incident. I began to see life as a continuous stream of kaleidoscopic images, and I still need to use the ‘Charles Atlas Extra-Power Strength-Breeches'.
The Baron's latest collection of handiwork can be viewed at www.insanelaboratories,

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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