London - (Rotters): Having failed the Buckingham Palace virginity test and been snubbed as too common for a possible future royal bride, Kate Middleton is today the prime suspect behind two gas and nail bombs that police managed to thwart outside a London night club and a Mayfair crack-dealer's condominium.
Ever since she and William split up earlier this year Middleton has been the subject of intensive undercover police operations as clue after clue showed she was at the heart of a 'home-grown' terror consipracy to divert as much attention as possible to foreign-type mercenaries rather than House of Mountbatten hand-picked elites.
This morning's gas bomb outside the Tiger Tiger night club failed to explode because Middleton is believed to have used nail varnish remover instead of peroxide in the ignition canisters:
"Daft kind of mistake for a pro to make," a police source said today, "but very lucky for the 1,000 so revellers who might not have made it otherwise if the propellant had been kosher."
The second explosive device, outside William and Harry's Park Lane coke supplier's apartment, also failed to explode because the batteries appear to have gone flat on the clockwork mechanism that shopuld have acted as a trigger.
Police have also hinted they are following leads that connect Middleton, William and Harry to the 'suicided' Mossad double agent, Ashraft Marwan, who fell to his death from his ground floor balcony in Carlton Gardens Terrace yesterday, in a desperate fit of angst-driven depression.
Sources close to MI5 may have been a key player in the failed bombings today after traces of Plutonium 210 were fould at the scene of his suicide, leading terror cops to wonder if he had had anything to do with the death in November of the other KGB/Mossad truncoat Alexander Litvinenko.
More details are expected this weekend.