London - (Ass Mess): This year's Mother's Day will see the publication of the long awaited first official interview with royal ex-girlfriend Kate Middleton in Ok, Ok, Ok! magazine's US edition where the spurned brunette talks frankly at last about her royal sex secrets.
A preview seen by The Spoof! can confirm that at 25 years old Kate, astonishingly, is still a virgin after enduring three platonic years while she and William agonised whether to renege on a No Sex Before Marriage pledge that the Queen made them sign.
And that during this time the couple attempted to re-create every possible permutation of the term 'necking' despite, and maybe because of, William's inability to get or maintain an erection - copious doses of black market Viagra notwithstanding.
Kate pours out her heart describing one weekend of 'missing time' when, sloshed on Bolly at an all-girls hen night party in the Cotswolds, she awoke one morning under a blooming wisteria with all her clothes missing and the distinct feeling she might have broken her 'pledge' with her hostess's burly Jamaican pool man.
Three paragraphs of agnonising self-examination follow and describe her subsequent visit to a GP, a sex clinic and a hypnotist in a bid to discover just what really happened after sinking nigh on half a gallon of vintage Bollinger and two bottles of Schnapps under a full moon in a Moreton-Under-Marsh historic country house.
The accompanying photographs show Kate reclining on an elegant chaise longue while dressed in an assortment of Dolce & Gabbana's summer 2007 collection, Prada haute couture and Theo Fennel platinum accessories.
"No one's still able to tell me if I broke my pledge that fateful night or whether Wills ever found out about it," Middleton says.
"All I know is that somehow it all fizzled out when they took away my Buckingham Palace back-door pass and police protection officer after Wills said Granny had called him a tosser and cut off his allowance from the Civil List.
"Of course I'm heartbroken, but I'm getting over it."
Chelsy Davey is 23.