New style school reports prove popular

Funny story written by matthatt

Monday, 21 May 2007

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My mum says I'm handsome

A secondary school has been applauded after a confidential report book which called pupils names like "ding bat" and "wally" was found lying in a street.

The new style reports carry details on students, social interactions and what type of homes they come from.

The grading system has also been changed from the old numbering, so many out of ten or one hundred, to a more user friendly system that immediately illustrates the student with simple phrases like, "boffin", "nerd", or "thick as twisted pig shit"

To enable teachers and education officials to categorise students and their family backgrounds they have started using a similar rating tool for this with helpful pointers like "yummy mummy" "rough as fcuk" or "I would after a few pints" to describe the Maternal parentage of the child and "wife beater" "closet gay" or "good income/kiss his arse" for the male parents.

Described as an "Alert Booklet" for the 2006-07 academic year, the item listed the "Additional Educational Needs" of 85 pupils in Years 7 to 11.

This also has many helpful one line description of the individual pupils needs, like, "sensitive child/requires nurturing", "electroshock therapy required" or "I want to give this little shit a damn good kicking as soon as he leaves school"

A statement said: "Our expectation of... written reports is that they should be based on evidence, that they should differentiate fact from opinion, and that they should be expressed in clear and professional language.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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