Richmond, Virginia - (Ass Mess): Queen Elizabeth will make a personal apology this week to the American people during her official US swansong visit for the right royal mess of tosser UK Prime Monster Tony Blair, the fiasco of Princess Diana's death and the damp squib non-story of Prince William getting dumped by Kate Middleton.
According to British embassy sources in Washington DC the alternative would have been an apology for slavery in Virginia and financial compensation for the British role in starting the Jamestown Massacre some 400 years ago.
So the choice has been a relatively simple one.
She will also say sorry for the raft of plainly daft WMD fantasies that emanated from Buckingham Palace during 2002.
These ended up in the joint US/UK 'secret intelligence dossier' claiming Saddam Hussain obtained yellowcake uranium from Niger which was used as a pretext to invade Iraq.
When US diplomat Joseph Wilson publicly rubbished these as total crap it led to the revenge outing of his wife Valerie Plame as a CIA operative and a perjury conviction for White House liar Scooter Libby.
Also on the list of apologies will be a very grovelling sorry for allowing Heather Mills to inflict herself on US TV audiences with her tacky rendition of Dancing With The Star Whores.
And an even bigger apology for Cherie Blair's five year mission of freeloading in the US with a series of completely assinine public lectures to line her shyster lawyer pockets and cultivate an international profile as a non-IRA mobster moneylaunderer and sometime hitwoman for the old KGB.
The five day state visit will culminate in a lavish UK embasssy bash in DC where Queenie will host a banquet in honor of George Bush.
Embassy staff are secretly keeping their fingers crossed that the old dear will suddenly drop dead in the middle of her swansong tour and cause a diplomatic fiasco for the Bush family.
Under internationally accepted rules of probate a deceased person's remains are the legal responsibility of their next of kin - ie. husband or wife.
The UK embassy in DC still holds the original marriage certificate showing QEII is still legally married to her first and only lawful husband who for the last sixty years has called himself George Herbert Bush.
Any diplomatic incident could be a bit of a blow to the current Bush Administration.
Prince Philip is completely certifiable.