DAYTON, OH (AP Newsliar) -- Cyberbock Industries Inc. has developed a novel technology that will lead to the first practical time travel capability, company officials reported today.
"The breakthrough was made by our Chief Scientist - my brother, Dr. Trippelbock," says Doppelbock, Chief Technologist of Cyberbock Industries. "He's made several other working time portals for his own private research, based on the use of an explosively pumped tachyon particle beam generator. But this new method may actually prove practical and affordable, something that Cyberbock can market to universities for their historical research, and to the entertainment industry."
Cyberbock Industries provided us with a layman's view of how the new technology works. First, high fidelity audio recordings were taken of Doppelbock's wife, Mrs. Bock, when "she was off on a rant about something", according to Doppelbock. He adds: "When in full-on nag mode, my wife can emit a certain whine that literally causes bats to fall from the sky, their sonar permanently damaged."
Then, Dr. Trippelbock's "time portal" focuses and de-amplifies these recordings down to quantum levels, so that the sound agitates the zero point energy field and actually distorts the local spacetime geometry. Doppelbock opines that the quantum-level structure of space is actually fleeing the sound of his wife's voice, causing the distortion that makes time travel possible.
Beyond that, it is merely a matter of selecting the appropriate voice recording for the desired amount of time displacement -- e.g., Mrs. Bock's default jet engine whine for jaunts of say 100-1000 years, her spine-shattering harpy screech for 100,000+ years, and so on -- and adjusting the volume level for fine tuning.
"Of course," says Doppebock, "the time traveler must wear industrial grade hearing protection or all his hair will fall out."
"Like mine," he adds.