Exclusive - The Breeze Story - One man's epic journey of self-belief, discovery and ultimate salvation

Funny story written by Breeze

Saturday, 10 March 2007


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Breeze relaxing at home

'What is a man ? what has he got ? if not himself.' The words of Frank Sinattra's 'My Way' could have been written about Breeze, writer, scholar, humanitarian and friend to the stars.

A man, whose courage and determination has made him an icon to readers of popular satirical magazine 'The Spoof' and an inspiration to his fellow journalists.

His selfless commitment to his craft and temperate, imperturbable demeanor have made him a beacon of hope, to the poor and dispossessed the world over.

To call him a legend, would serve only to diminish his awesome talent and provoke widespread condemnation from his peers. No, Breeze is more than that ....... much, much more.

"I remember his smile most of all," says childhood friend and fellow Spoof reporter, Duff, "And his kindness, I had a bedwetting problem which lasted until I was 32 and Breeze was always there for me. He's an inspiration to me."

An inspiration indeed! In the years that followed, Breeze perfected his craft and wrote such classics as 'Uri Geller's cock falls off during Celebrity Wankathon' and 'Pavarroti's arsehole explodes during high C at la Scalia'.

Hilarious stuff! In 2006, Breeze got his big break, when he was headhunted by Mark Lowton, editor of, a then down-market and underperforming rag, known as 'The Spoof'.

With Breeze onboard, the magazine's sales rocketed, affording Mark the fabulous lifestyle he now enjoys.

"Oh yeah, we were just shit back then," laughed Mark, reclining on the deck of his 180 foot yaught, "Guys like Jalapenoman and Buck E Filbert were writing for us but they both had such chronic drink problems that a lot of it was hard to make out........and Buck had that whole vagina thing going on, so a lot of his work had to be burned."

Mark's brother Paul, who has cleaned the toilets at 'The Spoof' since an unfortunate autoerotic asphyxiation accident rendered him retarded, agreed.

"Me love Breeze," he dribbled, "Him say Paul good boy.....good boy.......... Mark beats me sometimes." he added sadly

Over the years, Breeze has worked with a vast array of talented but largely forgotten writers and many are keen to pay tribute to his genius.

Down and out, alcoholic has been, Matt 'Crusty' Morgan, rasped, "'E were the best I ever seen. I tried to keep up wiv' 'im but it were'nt no good. I wuz Sauliere to 'is Motzart. It weren't no good kiddin' meself .......... I wuz shit"

Former British Army boxing instructor and currently undergoing pre-sex op estrogen replacement therapy, Queen Mudder, told us, "Aye, he's a great lad. 'E were always good t'me. When 'e 'eard I were 'avin' me cock cut orf 'e sent me a lovely note .............. tellin' me t'steer clear of Buck when I get's me vagina."

Not all 'Spoof' writers ended up on the shit heap and magazine glamour girl, Gail Farrelly' tells us what it's like to work with Breeze.

"To be honest, when he first joined 'The Spoof' I fancied him like mad but ......... there'd been that whole thing with Buck and it was all just soooo complicated. So we never hooked up. I've regretted that ever since." she sighed, as a single tear trickled down her cheek and fell into her bottle of gin.

So what next for this dazzling and charismatic superstar, where is there to go when you reach the top? Was it just his talent which caused him to soar like an eagle over everybody else, or was it something more..........perhaps fate?

Let's just leave the last word to Breeze and bask awhile in his glory.

"Where are ya now, ya bastards! Who's number one, I'm number fuckin' one! Not so fuckin' funny now, is it??.. 'Leprehaun Man' is it??..... I suppose you all thought that was 'fuckin' hilarious?!..... Well whose laughin' now, ya pack 'o' bastards?.. That's right, I am!!!! Why??!! Cause I'm number fuckin' ONE, that's why!!!!!!!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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