Bayonne, NJ - This weekend a group of top management from the oil production companies had a meeting to discuss the future of fossil fuel refinement in the USA. They held a press conference when they were done.
The spokesman for big oil was Mr. Boil, and in his opening statement he said: "We have just concluded a study that indicates that the United States will be able to continue its way of life for another five years without having to squeeze into little econo-boxes, Hummers for everyone. Any questions?"
"Mary Coldberg, Green Is Good Magazine; What about the devastating environmental effects of our heavy use of hydrocarbons and the emissions into the atmosphere?"
"We are looking into that, and will get back to you. Next question."
"Joe Burbon, SUV World Weekly; What happens after 2011, when just about all oil fields we now control have dropped far below peak level?"
"Joe, yesterday President Cheney, ah I mean Vice President Cheney has assured us that any oil, anywhere equates to United States interests, and by then we will have more military bases to ensure we can deliver anybody's oil to our refineries when we desire. We rule, period."
"Dan Zan, Doves and Dogs Newsletter; Isn't the idea of sending troops to die for control of an outdated fuel source thus risking continual war, a rather depraved way to conduct business?"
"That might depend on your meaning of depraved. If by depraved you mean: corrupt, amoral, nefarious, unrestrained, wanton, abominable, monstrous, obscene, and for those who won't eat the pork: piggish, well yes. The way America acts may be called 'depraved', but the costs of the freedom to drive what we want, the freedom to not be forced to learn the meaning of efficiency, the freedom to hide our own cultural inadequacy behind a mask of a bully, yes the cost will be high for some, but not all, many will still live a country club life in the greatest country. We oil executives feel the lives of our troops is a small price to pay for the American way of life. Next question."
"Betty Buckles, Soccer Mom Magazine; Mr. Boil, many of our readers don't get all that war stuff, they just know it is getting very expensive to fill up their mini-vans. Do you see the price of fuel dropping anytime soon?"
"According to the laws of supply and demand, no, never. It looks like we are out of time, thank you all for coming out today and on behalf of all the oil companies, let me wish you: Happy Motoring."