Panic In Theatreland: He Gave It His All

Funny story written by Joel Kaye

Thursday, 6 August 2020

image for Panic In Theatreland: He Gave It His All
Sprouts, baked beans and extreme self-restraint

Staff at Desperately Different Theatre Productions panicked when they received a suspicious cylindrical object in the post. “I never panic,” said Norton Fitzwarren, soon to be seen as First Scaffolder’s Mate in “Lady Macbeth Builds a Silo” at the Deritend Palace.

Central Digbeth was sealed off, and ‘a suspect object’ was removed from Desperately Different’s premises by the Royal Army Ordnance Corps. “They was all dressed up in big suits,” said Fitzwarren. “‘Big’ suits me,” said Capt. ‘Mick” Nomistakeaboutit, RAOC, RAC, AA, Green Flag, Chequered Flag.

An arrest was made, and Mr I. Dunnett appeared at Stechford Magistrates’ Court. “It was all a misunderstanding,” said Dunnett, balding playwright and surgical appliance sales executive. “I only phoned them to get my latest play put on, and they said, ‘Have you got anything funny?’, and I said whenever I bend down to tie my shoelaces I break wind. And they told me to send that along. Well, I thought that was a bit unusual, but they are at the cutting edge of contemporary drama, so I thought this must be the modern way. It was not easy, as I had to give over a fortnight to eating only sprouts, baked beans and extreme self-restraint.”

“But I had a thermos flask, so, after fourteen days of mounting internal pressure I was able to vent fully into it, screwing on the top as quickly as possible, to send it off. My neighbour, Ernest Lightsleeper, inquired if I was taking up the trombone, but otherwise I had no wind of any difficulties. “

“I do the jokes,” said the magistrate, Lady Unsmiling (Midland Counties Flower Show bronze medallist three years running). Mr Dunnett was released on condition he carries a canister of bathroom deodorant with him at all times, and lays off sprouts and beans. Methane is a greenhouse gas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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