Outraged pensioner Vernon Molehill-Stamper, 83, was shocked to find his garden ‘rearranged’ overnight.
“My gnomes had been interfered with,” said the sprightly octogenarian gardener, amateur explosives enthusiast, and long-standing resident of Darke Duwins. “Some of my gnomes was positioned in a suggestive manner amongst the begonias, and there was a most unpleasant word spelled out with my plant pots near the herbaceous border. Imagine the shock for Mrs Molehill-Stamper when she opened the curtains, and she has worked in corsetry.”
Suspicions have fallen on Mr Molehill-Stamper’s neighbours, who had previously raised objections at the Parish Council to his nocturnal testing of incendiary rodent traps. “It disperses them, properly,“ smiled the grandfather of Nugent, 9 1/2 and Consuela, 16, (no previous convictions), “but what they done with my turves was out of all proportion.”
West Yorkshire Constabulary have made no comment as of this time. Darke Duwins is not in Yorkshire. Mr Molehill-Stamper remains dissatisfied. On the steps to his neatly swept patio, he said it was 'a clear breakdown of lawn order'.