Home Secretary Priti Patel discontinues tool to assess visa applications

Funny story written by ExiledRoyal

Tuesday, 4 August 2020

image for Home Secretary Priti Patel discontinues tool to assess visa applications
Are you white enough to come to the UK?

The Home Office is to scrap a controversial decision-making tool that migrants’ rights campaigners claim created a “hostile environment” for people applying for UK visas.

Whilst most other First World countries use complicated “streaming algorithms” to assess migrant's claims, the UK has, for many years, used a Dulux Paint Chart.

Ms. Patel told us, "It's actually been very effective in keeping undesirables out. Quite simply, all we have had to do is match the skin tone of the prospective migrant against the chart. Anybody who doesn't fit into the first 'Whitest Column' will be required to live in a 'Holding Camp' whilst we decide whether they're nice enough or not."

The “Paint Chart Method”, which campaigners and Opposition Parties have described as 'inexcusably racist', has been used since 2010 to process visa applications to the UK. It will be abandoned from Friday.

"Using this method has been a clear sign of how entrenched ... how thoughtless and cowardly ... how superficial ... prejudice really is. It's time we moved on," one unnamed MP commented.

"Personally, I'm sad to see it go," Ms. Patel said. "We prefer to cover ourselves in rhetoric. To my mind it's far quicker to measure a person's 'Skin-fit' than to plough through acres of Curriculum Vitae. It works in the US. It's Political Correctness gone mad."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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