New homes and hospitals will be granted "automatic" permission to be built as part of sweeping planning reforms in England, Robert Jenrick, the housing secretary, says.
"We realise that this is going to be open season for the erection of monstrous carbunkles throughout England," he told us, "but we just don't have the time to bother, what with the Coronavirus and everything."
Bob Robertson, Slough builder, was rubbing his hands. "It's a licence to print money. We can do what we want, build how we like, and rake in the profits." Bob the Builder told us that his partner had a massive beam across his face when they found out. The beam had been part of a collapsed roof, and had crushed him to death.
Mr Jenrick said that the country's "outdated and cumbersome" planning system had contributed to a divide between those who are homeowners and those who are not. "This way we can ensure everyone has the same poor standard. It's fair all round."
In order to promote the plans, free tuition in how to shout offensively at passing women will be offered by the 'Phwhoar Gettem Off Builders Cooperative'. Uniforms will also become compulsory. Every employee will be required to wear a ten-gallon Stetson and pair of jodhpurs, in order to reinforce the cowboy image. There will also be training in how to stand around looking busy.
Bob Robertson said that they were hiring as fast as they could. "We'll accept anybody. Except people with no ears. Nowhere to stick a pencil," he explained.