Stan Bridgewater, a run-down semi-detached in Rotherham is sad that for the fourth time in a row he has been turned down for a starring role in Homes Under The Hammer.
Wanting to appear on the show with Dion Dublin, and the other chap with unruly hair, Stan is in a deep funk about his fourth rejection.
'Honestly,' said the sad collection of old bricks, 'I don't know what I have been doing wrong. I have been in four different auctions now, and none of them has featured in the show. The three times I was bought before, nothing happened. I was bought by Johnny fly-by-nights, who thought I was a quick fixer-upper, but I don't even have a second floor, or planning permission. Every time I think that they will video the show, with their flyaway hair and donkey-jackets, they never, ever turn up. I want a chance to be loved again.'
If Stan were a person, he would be on every dating site, with a combover, carrying a large fish by the side of a river. There will be no happy ending for Stan, we fear.