Bishop's dead pig orgy "not illegal"

Friday, 3 May 2019

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Chaffinch St Cock is officially Britain's most hollow church

A scandal has erupted in the usually genteel world of the Church of England. The Bishop of Chaffinch St Cock, Geoff "The Defiler" Futtock, has been captured on video in a horrific act featuring dozens of dead swine.

In the video, Bishop Futtock can clearly be seen kissing a dead pig dressed as a nun, while in the background, his assistant The Reverend Percy Green crucifies a horse in a wedding dress. Gallons of blood and custard wash over the depraved scene, and the Bishop's wife can be heard screaming about who will clean up the mess. The orgy takes place in what looks like a medieval dungeon, but is believed to be the catacombs of Chaffinch St Cock Abbey.

A spokesman for the Chaffinch St Cock police said that there was an ongoing investigation, but it appeared that the Bishop had procured the dead animals through the normal channels. No charges were expected to be pressed.

Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby defended the bishop's behaviour. "Let's get one thing clear," he said defiantly. "Futtock has not broken any laws and to be honest, what a bishop does in the cellar of his own abbey with his own animals is his business."

Other churches did not have much to say. Orthodox Bishop Dmitry Geoffov thought it funny. "We're just Cossacks in cassocks," he said. "What do we know about your crazy English pastimes!"

Pope Francis remained silent on the issue. He is thought to be sympathetic to the Bishop, but is not saying anything for fear of blatant hypocrisy. “The Catholic Church has done far worse,” said one priest.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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