Analyzing the Presidential Contenders with Larry the Cable Guy

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 22 January 2007

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An American analyzes the White House race for The Spoof's readers

With the U.S. presidential election less than two years away, many candidates are coming out of the woodwork and tossing their hats into the ring. The Spoof's London bureau spoke with famous American comedian, Larry the Cable Guy, to ask his opinion on the players in this political game.

The Spoof: "May we call you Larry?"

Larry: "That's my name, don't wear it out."

The Spoof: "Are you very interested in politics and the presidential races in your country?"

Larry: "I'm a comedian feller and I have to make jokes about these guys for the next four years, so of course I'm interested."

The Spoof: "When we list a name, please tell us, in a few words, what you think of that candidate."

Larry: "Let's git 'er done!"

The Spoof: "Get who what?"

Larry: "Not who what, I said git 'er done."

The Spoof: "Done how?"

Larry: "Just list your names."

The Spoof: "The democrats first, then. Hillary Clinton."

Larry: "You ever heard that song 'bout the devil with the blue dress on? Hillary's got the face that could sink a thousand ships. She's what my buddy Rush calls a femi-nazi."

The Spoof: "Barack Obama"

Larry: "Gesundheit."

The Spoof: "No, the black Illinois Senator, Barack Hussein Obama."

Larry: "I thought we strung up Hussein, and now he's running for president? Ain't that called some kind of necrophilia or something?"

The Spoof: "Let's just go to the next name. Bill Richardson. He was U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., Energy Secretary, in Congress, and is Governor of New Mexico. He is also half hispanic on his mother's side."

Larry: "He done all that and he was a secretary? If he was a guy secretary, he must be one of them flippers. I personally don't got anything against them faggy fellers, but I don't think I'd vote for one."

The Spoof: "He's married. He was the person in charge of the Energy department in the president's cabinet under Clinton."

Larry: "Wasn't Monica Lewinsky also in some cabinet under Bill Clinton? If he was under Bill, that must mean he's one of them flippy fellers too. That's understandable, considering that face on that wife of his."

The Spoof: "Let's continue. Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd."

Larry: "I ain't never heard of him. Of course, that could just mean he never made the papers back home for boinking his secretary or getting doin' it with Clinton in his cabinet or stealing lots of money or somethin'."

The Spoof: "Former North Carolina Senator and Vice Presidential Candidate John Edwards."

Larry: "Was he that short little feller that stood next to John Kerry a few years back? He was so far us his butt I never thought he'd see the light of day. He musta had to wipe a whole bunch of crap out of his eyes afore he could see to pee."

The Spoof: "Ohio Represntative Dennis Kucinich."

Larry: "Didn't he run four years ago? I thought he was a little nerdy back then. Did he grow a pair or something or is he still kind of a weirdo?"

The Spoof: "Former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack."

Larry: "I ain't never heard nothin' bout him neither. I like that name, though. Vilsack. Sounds like something that Clinton wants to do with his secretarys."

The Spoof: "Delaware Senator Joe Biden."

Larry: "Delaware? You mean they got enough folks to elect them a senator? Ain't Biden another feller that ran before and dropped out because we all decided he was full of it?"

The Spoof: "Other potential candidates, who have not officially announced, but have all tried before, are retired General Wesley Clark, former Vice President and presidential candidate Al Gore, and Massachusetts Senator and another former candidate, John Kerry."

Larry: "Learn the lesson, folks. If we didn't want you before, we don't want you now. Just go off and invent another internet or somethin'."

The Spoof: "How about the republicans now. We'll start with Kansas Senator Sam Brownback."

Larry: "I don't know nothin' 'bout that one neither, but that ain't a good name for a president. Sounds to much like brown nose. A president is supposed ta be a leader, not a brown noser."

The Spoof: "How about former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani?"

Larry: "He's that bald feller that showed up all the time when the towers got blowed up. Didn't he get caught steppin' out on the missus? Ain't he got some kind a cancer or somethin'? We had all that stuff with Eisenhower and look what it got us: Nixon!"

The Spoof: "California Representative Duncan Hunter."

Larry: "Sorry, but there ain't no duck hunters in California. They're all namby pambys that want to pet Bambi and not put her rack above the fireplace. You don't vote fer fellers from the granola state, cuz they're all fruits, nuts, and flakes."

The Spoof: "Arizona Senator John McCain."

Larry: "That feller was a P.O.W. in Vietnam. He didn't go pussyfooting out of the war like Bush or Clinton. I like that. I don't like that he was a crybaby when he didn't get nominated four years ago. You gotta take losin' like a man; you don't cry, you blow the other feller's nuts off with a sawed of shotgun and get even!"

The Spoof: "Texas Representative Ron Paul."

Larry: "I ain't heard nothin' bout him neither, so I ain't gonna comment."

The Spoof: "Former Massachusetts Governor and Salt Lake City Olympics Chairman Mitt Romney."

Larry: "Mitt? What'd his momma do, name him after a baseball glove? No, I think he's the Mormon. How does he got time to run for president? Shouldn't he be home takin' care of his sixteen wives and eighty six kids?"

The Spoof: "Colorado Representative Tom Tancredo."

Larry: "I ain'n never heard nothin' bout him neither. Give me the next one."

The Spoof: "Former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thomson."

Larry: "Tommy Thomson? There was another mother that had to go getting cute with the names. Didn't she know there was other names out there? I gotta tell my brothers Darrell about that one."

The Spoof: "Two other potential candidates who have not officially announced are New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg and former New York Governor George Pataki."

Larry: "Why's everyone all trying to get out of New York all the sudden? They got too many raghead cabbies now? They got too many Puerto Ricans on welfare so they gotta run away? I ain't votin' fer no one from New York cuz I think they made that mess of a city, they outta stay there."

The Spoof: "Other republicans who might run are former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel."

Larry: "All I gotta say is don't run neither. There's already too many other folks cloggin' up the ballot and we don't want no more hangin' chads or somethin'. Just stay home and take care of your kids and ogle the girls every Saturday night at the titty bar. That's what I say."

The Spoof: "On behalf of the Spoof Magazine and our London Bureau, we'd like to thank Mr. Larry the Cable Guy for his insights into the American presidential race."

Larry: "Git 'er done!"

The Spoof: "Get who what?"

Larry: "Never mind."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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