Food Bank Staff's Job Fears Eased by Chancellor's Budget

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 30 October 2018


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Kensington & Chelsea: Britain's wealthiest food bank

Food bank staff's fears for their jobs were eased by Monday's budget when Chancellor Philip Hammond announced no "real terms" increase in public spending apart from on the NHS.

Cock-a-hoop food bank manager, Fenella Farquharson-Dogooder, based in Britain's wealthiest borough, Kensington & Chelsea, breathed a sigh of relief as she spoke to The Spoof's austerity editor.

"It's been nerve-racking for my staff wondering if they will have jobs in a few months time. I know that the prime minister said that austerity is over, but they are all married women with children to look after, and this is their only escape from household drudgery. Take my assistant, Sophie Hooray-Henry, for example. She has to hand her toddlers over to the nannie before she comes here. It was so hard on her not knowing if she would still be gainfully employed.

"Sophie is a vital member of the team. Her speciality is sorting out the good food from the bad. We keep the best stuff, the oysters, smoked salmon, truffles, champagne, caviar etc. and ship out the baked beans and spaghetti hoops to the less deserving boroughs, like Tower Hamlets. It's only fair that the deserving rich get the best produce when they are down-at-heel."

The chancellor used his Budget on Monday to say that austerity was coming to an end, but Labour's shadow chancellor, John McDonnell, rejected his claims, saying more welfare cuts were coming, and spending was still being squeezed.

Prime Minister, Theresa Maybot, said of Monday's Budget "we have cut taxes for 32 million people - the message of yesterday's Budget is that the hard work of the British people has paid-off."

Are we still "all in this together" (G. Osborne 2010) or not? I doubt that we ever were.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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