The whole of Britain was on high-alert this evening as news broke that the nation's most notorious and feared peaceful activist, Tommy Robinson, had escaped from prison!
Robinson, arrested last weekend for standing outside a court in Leeds, was given a 13-month sentence, and sent to Armley Prison in the city. A news blackout followed, but a judge quashed this on Tuesday when it was realised that millions of people on social media were ignoring it.
Plans were thought to have been in place to have Tommy brought to the capital, and locked-up in the Tower of London.
Amazingly, there wasn't time for that!
Tommy, real name Stephen, was already planning an audacious escape even as he left court. Inmates in every prison establishment on the mainland were hoping he would be sent to their jail, and frantically started organising Escape Committees. At HMP Full Sutton, 300 extra prisoners signed-up for exercise sessions on the Vaulting Horse, and a huge 50-metre-high mound of freshly-dug earth was found next to D-wing this morning.
At HMP Manchester, prison officers discovered 'ropes' that had been made from more than 150 blankets, and at HMP Belmarsh, a cell search produced 43 files, 10 hammers, 61 screwdrivers, and 14 beautiful hand-carved quality replica handguns, which could have been used to help Tommy escape.
At HMP Frankland, it was discovered that two officers had 'lost' their suite of keys, and at HMP Wakefield, several items of officers' clothing were stolen from the Laundry, and a chef's hat from the Kitchen.
Tommy was ahead of the game, however. Having already spoken to an old lag at Armley, he was able to get his hands on a Muslim burka, and walked confidently out of the prison disguised as a Muslim Probation Officer whose religion decreed that 'she' could not be searched. Taking his disguise seriously, the chirpy Londoner even had time to help some Muslim prisoners file complaints for several trivial, but Islam-offending complaints against staff before he left.
Robinson later posted on Facebook from an unknown location, saying he was enjoying his freedom, and that he was still intent on becoming the first British Prime Minister to have served time behind bars for football violence.