For weeks, Theresa May has been promising that the Tory party is the only party that is "strange and stabby" enough to lead the country. But now, with the release of the party manifesto, all that is set to change, and they have a new slogan.
"Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em til they're dead!" is the new Conservative party catchphrase, and their new policies show that they really mean it. The manifesto promises to:
- reduce newspaper owner tax to 0.01% to "help our friends in the media"
- sell off The Queen to a German tourism conglomerate to raise urgently needed money
- chain health service workers to their place of employment
- in an attempt to claim the "milk snatcher" title, May has said that unemployed single mothers should be milked at dairy facilities regularly. The milk produced would be provided to primary school children at fee-paying schools to show that "society is a circle of pain"
Theresa May proudly unveiled the policies while leading her husband on stage on a leash. Party members barked with pleasure as they heard the announcements, and the floor was awash with saliva.