Most people don't choose to spend their weekends at a police station.
But Richard Scratcher does.
Every Friday and Saturday night, between 19:30 and 04:00, you will find the cheerful, if not totally knackered pensioner slumped across his desk masturbating like a man possessed in the back office at Scratchy Bottom police station in Dorset.
His "job" is to monitor footage from four CCTV cameras covering the centre of Scratchy Bottom, a bustling market town notable for its distintive Georgian buildings, sexy teenage girls and rampant MILFS all of whom run amok on a Friday and Saturday night.
At closing time, with people making their way to and from 'Tiffany's', the town's only nighclub, Dick comes into his own, scrutinising a bank of TV screens for signs a hot, pissed, pussy roaming the streets and acts of a sexual nature.
He is patched into the police radio system and that of some of his mates and alerts them when there is some tasty crumpet on the prowl.
"One bird actually dropped her knickers and flashed her beaver at the cameras", says the 87 year-old pensioner, recalling the best thing he had ever seen in five years. "Then there was a chap with a huge penis once" he adds. He were ball deep in this gorgeous blond who was bent over a Tiffany's wheelie bin, "blimey he must have been rattling her back teeth I can tell you!"
The retired taxidermist and ferret breeder is Dorset Police's most prolific volunteer. The unpaid work he does for the force fulfils and ambition he has nursed since childhood.
"He says: "When I left school this was my original intention - to be a voyeur, a student of sex so to speak and to that end I started 'pulling my wand' at a young age while spying on my neighbours' daughters.
But unfortunately we was poor and me Mother said, 'If you're going to spend all day ripping the head off it then you'll have to stay at home and help me wash the stains out of your underwear."
There are 400 other police volunteers in Dorset, many with the same role as Dick, collectively they have built up a superb library of 'mucky moments' via CCTV and massed produced numerous DVD's of young women performing unmentionable sexual acts on young men and vice versa whilst pissed.
The DVD's are very popular with the boys in blue and usually retail at around a £10 each which in turn is a nice little earner for Dick and his mates who regularly ciculate each others CCTV footage as new releases.
Frederick Basham, the area's police and crime commissioner, wants to increase volunteer numbers and expand what they're able to do. He says: "I see it as a fantastic resource, especially if we can introduce colour CCTV cameras and sharper, more telescopic lenses for the close-ups" - this brings diversity, it brings additionality, it brings great cum shots and greater viewing for the police when huddled around the station fire on long winter nights with fuck all else to do, I believe in it!"