Written by Mark Mywords

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

image for Justice Secretary Slams CCTV Critics

In a timely statement, just weeks after the release of figures suggesting that only one crime is solved for every one thousand CCTV cameras in the UK, Justice Secretary Jack Strawhead today slammed those who questioned the purpose and intrusive nature of the devices.

Responding to the claims of human rights groups, who further cite the statistic that every UK citizen is caught on CCTV cameras more than 300 times a day, Mr Strawman said:

"It is just not right to say that these surveillance devices are failing to have an impact. They have a vital role to play in preserving and protecting the quality of life in this country. I mean, without them, almost the entire output of Sky 3 would evaporate overnight! If that were to happen, the viewing public would lose such top quality programmes as 'Street Wars UK', 'Road Wars UK', 'Street Cops UK', 'Pissed Chavs Coming Out of Nightclubs UK', 'Cops Getting Twatted With Iron Bars In Your Town UK', and 'You've Been Framed'.

"You have also got to remember the impact CCTV has had in prolonging the television careers of such icons as that northern chappie who calls every person the police harass a 'muppet', and of course Jamie Theakston, who would otherwise would have been forced to play the role of second miller's son in this year's Christmas production of 'Puss In Boots' at the Rialto, Chorlton-cum-Hardy for the THIRD SUCCESSIVE YEAR!"

Mr Strawman himself will be appearing in Vernon Plunkett's long-awaited production of 'The Wizard of Oz', due to begin a two week run at the Barndoor Theatre, Exeter from September 19th (tickets £6.50 or £2 concessions).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: CCTV

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