Written by D Agnew

Thursday, 4 September 2014


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image for Virtual reality 2.0 making you look more ridiculus in photos
An early prototype showing screen placement

Headset wearing reporters falling over and getting motion sickness are soon to be filling our screens as Virtual reality or VR for short or Alternate reality software encoding or A.R.S.E to use the acronyms so favoured by nerds.

The bulky heavy headsets have come a long way from the bulky heavy seizure inducing headsets of the 90's and the technology inside is quite simply amazing. I was lucky enough to get my hands on one of these oversized ski goggles and was simply blown away by the level of detail and immersion I experienced.

Once strapped on the headset feels uncomfortable at first but after a while you soon experience an amazing VR experience of being a Sherpa on Everest carrying a mule tied in a blanket round your head. In fact it was so realistic that my neck actually felt tired and ached even after removing the huge headset. I was eager to try more universes so I booted up the beta version of Stevie wonder in a new hotel suite. soon I was stumbling around crashing into things like the man himself, although I was unable to find the keyboard so I'm not sure if the software would of auto-tuned my songs.

Eager to try more i was given a sneak preview of the unfinished alpha version of "drunk as fuck" where I spent almost two hours trying to put a virtual key in a virtual lock without knocking the plants over and waking the wife, truly a fantastic experience. Once I had recovered from my migraine and the sickness passed it was time to go into the production area to see just what sort of tech this invention has inside. Speaking to Dr Mike Samson an ex convict and self confessed nerd he explained how it works.

"Its really quite simple" he offered "you look through these screens, there's some wires and stuff and a few LEDs and shiny stuff to make it look cool"

But what about the software, will there be enough to ensure the success of the VR 2.0 or will it fail like steam engines or the thresher loom and become unpopular like Boyzone

Dr Samson assured me that there are hundreds of titles in the pipeline, from the basic "powercut" and "cellar quest" to "plains of Africa at night" and rumours of a port of flappy bird -no eyes edition, which is itself a port of "bottom of handbag simulator" where users can fumble around trying to find their phone amongst pens, make-up and tissues. Exciting times for people who refuse to go outside in the sunlight and make friends.

The first versions are due of the production line as soon as Dr Samson writes the kickstarter page.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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