Guess what! That naughty Soham Liar Maxine Carr has got married. Within the last week Maxine, now under her new identity, has wed her secret new lover in a fancy swanky bash at a luxury hotel. Maxine is understood to be a huge fan of Kim and Kanye and wanted her wedding to coincide with theirs. Miss Carr was understood to have looked ridiculous, sorry, ravishing as she appeared at the ceremony wearing a £2,000 ivory dress. The train of the dress was so long that when stood on the hotel patio outside, half of it was hanging all the way out the car park when she was saying her vows.
Details of her lover, the wedding day and her new name have been kept under wraps due to the privacy injunction order that was granted to her when she was given a new identity. However as an undercover reporter, I got an exclusive VIP pass into the wedding day after I successfully managed to befriend the couple. Infact I managed to become that friendly with Maxine, she made me one of her bridesmaids. Pity i sold her out but here is all the goss you don't know from the other newspapers…
The bride was fashionably late and decided to exclude 'Here comes the bride' as she walked down the aisle in silence on the arm of her mother Shirley Capp, who was wearing a pink shell suit and was crying so much she was dripping balls of snot on the wedding gown. Whether she was crying tears of joy or tears of relief that it wasn't Ian Huntley is a mystery. The bride and groom united at the altar and made the bizarre decision to recite their personal vows in Chinese. Just as it got to the part where 'does anyone present object to the marriage' the deafening sound of an overhead helicopter interrupted the proceedings.
Everyone watched as a confused bride and groom stood in the grounds of Ettington Park Hotel in Stratford-upon-Avon. Previously a Prisoner of War camp after World War II and also a nursing home, the place is reported to be rife with haunted spirits. The sky filled with dark clouds as a police helicopter appeared and circled loudly around the venue. As it landed on the grass outside the hotel, out stepped a man wearing some very shiny boots, a pair of jeans with a high belt and a polo shirt: it was Ian Huntley! Swaggering across the grass and serenading the couple with 'Bat out of Hell' he clearly had no conscience as he waved across smugly gritting his teeth and clenching his fist.
The guest's faces were a picture, they were understandably gunning to swing a few punches but were prevented by the bodyguards circling around Huntley. The older folk looked like they were about to have heart attacks. Maxine shouted asking what he was doing here. Huntley laughed and said he didn't want to miss the ceremony. Ian and Maxine engaged in a high pitched screaming row perfect for a soap opera. After making it clear THAT THING was definitely in her past, she slapped him in the face. Her horrified groom landed a punch straight on Ian's nose. With a final blow, Maxine booted Huntley's ass with her heel and sent him flying onto the grass.
The happy couple ran back to the altar as Shirley Capp stood with her fag in her hand, sticking her fingers up and mouthing 'clear off you f***ing wanker' at Huntley as he stormed his way back into the helicopter to be escorted back to prison. The ceremony resumed and before long they were pronounced husband and wife. The awkwardness surrounding the groom's relatives couldn't have been more apparent as they tried to muster up some enthusiasm for their new addition to the family but crinkled their noses every time the bride walked past them. The groom clearly doesn't know what he's let himself in for as he watched in amazement as Maxine got a little overenthusiastic when it came to the cutting of the cake, stabbing it that many times one of the caterers had to rush over and prize the knife out her hand.
Bottles of absinthe were soon passed round and before long Maxine, by now totally pissed, had changed and come back down to the reception in a black leather dominatrix outfit and with a cackle tried to smack all the men in the room with her whip. 'Don't you think you should put that away darling' croaked her bewildered groom as the worried young men ran for cover but Maxine pushed him away and jumped onto the tables. She began doing a striptease when suddenly her mother Shirley Capp jumped onto the table and tried to copy her. Maxine's low cut top exposed one of her breasts showing her tattooed bumblebee that she kept flashing at everyone. One unlucky guy that got a bit too close for comfort got the shock of his life when the bee started buzzing and stung him!
The haunted ghosts of the venue made their mark as the night drew on. One guest choked to death on Grimsby's fish and chips during the three course banquet, another mixed their medication into their glass of wine sending them into a coma and all night long guests who stayed overnight in the hotel could hear screams, ranting and frantic running across the hotel landing, a sighting of a soldier in a rocking chair in one of the bedrooms murmuring in distress as well as what sounded like a horse's hooves banging on everyone's doors. To top it off, Maxine and Groom were about to set off for their honeymoon in the morning but in a cruel twist of fate both tripped down the hotel stairs him breaking his back and her breaking her neck!
One thing I learnt during my stint with the newlyweds, for him to put up and shut up with all this shit he must be very 'besotted' with his Bridezilla!