A woman from Shrewsbury has come forward with a shocking revelation which if proven true will cast doubt on every celebrity in the land. Maureen Edwards 51, claims NOT to be been molested, interfered with, accosted or even reefed up by a single individual that used to be on television a lot. Experts are looking into her bizarre claim, although some seem sceptical already.
Dr Alan Cumulonimbus of the Welsh Academy of Perverts said "I think this lady is just trying to get herself in the papers, maybe to earn some money. We all know that every female in the country over the age of forty five has been been fiddled with by a game show host or a radio DJ. The entire age group are damaged goods".
Miss Edwards, who has never married is adamant however.
"I didn't mind at first," she told us, "it just seemed like the slutty girls that were being touched up in dressing rooms. Then all the girls were getting in on the action. It got to the stage where if you hadn't seen a Radio One DJ's willy, you would get bullied at school".
The clearly heartbroken woman continued: "I wasn't the prettiest girl in the town but I wasn't that bad. Alison Campbell from over the road had really hairy arms but she still got an eyeful when she was on Tiswas".
It seems like not a week goes past recently without some ageing hasbeen releasing his memoirs, often going into lurid detail about all the innocent young women he corrupted. One star famous for wearing Christmassy jumpers even claimed to have had a duvet made of knickers all taken from girls at the same school.
Maureen Edwards obviously harbours huge resentment after hearing such tales. Sounding extremely indignant she moaned "I went on Swap Shop, Bullseye and Strike it Lucky, but nothing. Michael Barrymore took me backstage and gave me a funny look but then told me I wasn't his type. I started hanging around with Anne de la Cassa because she was a well known local slag and we went on Blankety Blank. I didn't even get a Blankety Blank cheque book and pen".
As impressionable teenage girls all across the land were being abused and defiled by usually heavily bearded men in the public eye, Maureen became desperate for acceptance. She revealed "our next door neighbours window cleaner had a mate who used to go out with one of the dancers in Pans People. She got us tickets to go on the show one week so I went out without a bra on and stood right in front of that guy who used to do the breakfast show. Fat lot of good that did me, I couldn't even get anything on Top Of The Pops".
