...I dig it, I really dig it!

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Sunday, 23 March 2014


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Ramjam Ejit, manager of the Tesco Express, Eccles.

Robbers have dug a 50ft tunnel to plunder £70,000 from a cashpoint machine in what could be their fourth raid, it has been revealed!

The thieves, dubbed "the great escape crew", are thought to have spent months using teaspoons they had collected via a Tesco in-store promotion to burrow back into the Tesco Express store next to a service station in Eccles, Greater Manchester.

Thought to be the fourth robbery in the area in the past seven years by crooks using the same technique Police are considering the robberies 'could' be linked.
Det. Sgt Wolfgang Von Schicklgruber, of Greater Manchester Police said; "Zes peoples haf spent zer long time plotting zis crime und no doubt haf gone almost half blind considerink zer time zey haf spent under zer ground in zer dark Ja!"

"Zer offenders must haf been noticed by zer staff in zer Tesco ven zey go in zer store for zer mornink coffee und sarnies each day, Ja? So, ve are appealink to zer staff und zer pubics, haf you noticed any dirt covered men playing zer 'pocket billiards' und leavink zer trail of soil up und down zer aisles und in zer shitenhousen?. If so zen ve appealink you ring us at zer station between einer tea breaks und ve will make furder investitures Ja!"

Det. Sgt Schicklgruber went on to describe the similarities between this latest theft and that of one during 2012 when a similar well constructed tunnel was discovered leading to a Blockbuster Store. At that time there were no reported stolen items and Police assumed that the robbers been scared off prior to achieving their aim. Alternatively, their aim could have just been off as the Blockbuster Store was adjacent to another Tesco Express at the time, the Blockbuster Store has since been converted into a mini-Mosque.

However, a diligent Tesco staff member and ex-Blockbuster colleague, Sydney Loomis was keen to talk to our reporter and has another theory; "At the time of the so-called thwarted break-in I was aware that one DVD was missing from our 99p 'bargain bin' namely, "The Great Escape", need I say more? Trouble was like, when I mentioned it to the old Bill they blew me off, not literally you understand, so I thought bollocks to it I'll keep me bleedin' mouth shut like!"

Sydney continued, after years at Blockbusters I knows me way around a few films like and if you have seen this flick then it starts to make sense, size of the tunnel like and trails of dirt left round the aisles and all. And you know what, I swear that blond geezer I served last week parked a 655cc Triumph TR Trophy motorcycle outside the store…………?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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