Wiltshire, UK - Ted Brown, known locally as "Ed", was brutally attacked outside his home on the morning of October 29th, just minutes after walking their family dog named (for reasons unknown) Cat. It is the latest in a series of very thinly-motivated attacks.
Ed, is recovering in hospital following the attack and has been able to give police, and The Spoof, brief details of the ordeal.
"I was just walking along with Cat and my wife Trixie, when all of a sudden we were mobbed by youths with hoods up. We couldn't see their faces but we assume they were wearing diamonique earrings and bum-fluff moustaches.
"It was horrifying, naturally. I kept screaming 'Why us?! Why me?!' and they just kept chanting 'Cannibal Paedo! Cannibal Paedo!'. If I hadn't been spitting my own blood I would have sworn I was in a Monty Python sketch."
Ed, it appears, is only the latest in a line of attacks in which the motive appears to be specifically "thin". In this case, it appears the youths overheard Ed joshing with his wife, uttering the classic:
"I like kids...but I couldn't eat a whole one!"
Upon hearing this, the youths took umbrage and attacked Ed and his wife.
Police are still searching for the culprits of this bizarre crime and are on the lookout for people using hearing trumpets.
