Houston -- The latest Enron crook to get a tough sentence (24 + years) is likely sobbing right now into his Vielle Bon Secours. There are no deserts like just deserts.
An anonymous source (a woman, not his wife, as the mouthpiece would -- what, no jailhouse jargon, either?) has said that Skilling's attorney, J. J. Bupkis, was brutally honest with him (Skilling, not the source) in laying out the only two options open to him.
"Bupkis told him," the source said, "that he should consider himself lucky -- he could have got 30 years and fines the size of the GNP of a small country. He just wants Jeff to look at this with his Reality Vision (she insisted on the caps -- just reporting the facts, ma'm.) He told him that he can either go ahead and do the time, or take the, um, Ken Lay option."
Skilling took the entire hit on the fines, we may note, because Ken Lay died of a heart attack before he served any time. The legal system, in its wisdom and vengeance on behalf of the corporate-fleeced public, will make non-dead conspirators take the full assessment of money damages under the legal principle known as "Who's Still Above Ground."
The judge, inexplicably, didn't give Skilling the worst prison sentence, citing the "Can't Get A Dead Guy [Ken Lay] Into the Big House, Ya'll" statute (a Texas specialty).
It's not known how Skilling feels about his options.
The creative accounting at Enron caused catastrophic loss to employees when the company collapsed, as we all know, but Bupkis thinks that the California power (M'kay, now I have a right to point out easily missed puns. So there.) grab that resulted in brown/black outs and price gouging may have been the bigger factor in his getting tough time.
"Yep. When they played that tape of the smartest guys in the room snickering like school bullies about California grannies trying to make tea over a campfire, the jury was visibly aggravated. Enron showing its ass was the coup de grace," said Bupkis.
Bupkis, defender of the indefensible, gave Skilling the big two options in overview. But we, the ever-gouged, the mansion-and-yacht-impaired, can give some REAL advice; put some lipstick on that pig, as they say in Texas:
Prison Option. You'll look good in orange, even though you may be a Winter, if you choose the right accessories.
The following caution is offered:
- avoid busy patterns.
- Wear as much green as you can, especially when choosing head gear.
- Avoid cravats.
- Take along a selection of ties that coordinates BOTH with orange and your cellmate's tattoo motifs.
Speaking of which, a tattoo can really celebrate your personality. Prison tats are black ONLY, so try not to be too over-the-top.
Suggestions:
- Lightning bolts (See: SS emblems, well, everywhere in stir)
- Electric toaster (with granny, maybe, surprised that there's power today!)
- Skull and crossbones above an electric fence (electricity is your signature, man)
- Light bulb with electricity radiating outward (implying power is ON)
- Electric car (suggested by electricity radiating outward, otherwise cellmates become confused)
- Etc. (But for a few more letters it's an anagram for ELECTRIC)
Well, other than fashion tips, most of us bill payers (see above) have no clue what else to say; looks like you'll have to consult some ex-cons.
There's the KL Option. Here's where we ordinary butt scratchers (NOT a reference to amateur tattoo artists, see above) and California grannies really shine! We in the gen. pop. are so saturated with pseudo-science, drug ads and infomercials that any one of us can tell you how.
You have 90 days to eat lard by the pound (bacon OK, but by the rasher), dozens of eggs, whole milk by the gallon, ice cream by the tub, sugar by the fistful and steak 'til you yourself start to moo. And, oh, don't forget the booze (Duh, huh?)
Reject all veggies. Even an occasional carrot will poison the system here. Just think of how you bloated Enron and gorged yourself on stolen cash and you'll be fine. And if you slouch around the house in your jammies all day, you can really ratchet it up!
Save the exercise for the Prison Option.
