Analysts: Schwarzenegger Driven by His 'Inner Nazi'

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Wednesday, 25 October 2006


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"Arnold will always be driven by his 'Inner Nazi'....."

Political analysts, studying the meteoric rise of Arnold Schwarzenegger, in politics, have turned their attention to his childhood, and believe it reveals the keys to his character. Arnold's father was a Nazi police officer, who taught him to goose-step, while he was still in the crib. According to these observers, Arnold's father, and the harshness with which he treated his son, left Arnold with a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, which has fueled his ambition, all of his adult life.

When Arnold was a teenager, his father ridiculed him for not having a girl-friend. Out of this deep-seated humiliation, Arnold set out to prove his manhood....something he has spent the rest of his life trying to moving into an apartment with a teenage stripper. Still plagued by a sense of humiliation and inadequacy, Arnold launched a lifelong quest to prove his father wrong, by constantly conquering any woman he could meet.

Arnold's mindless obsession with weightlifting, was due to his extreme sense of inadequacy before the female sex. If only he could build up his physique to some extraordinary level, his father would realize that all those women actually found him desirable. However, even after winning the 'Mr. Universe' title twice, Arnold still was left feeling inadequate, and he continued to insipidly contort his grossly distorted body of an 'incredible hulk', until he had won the title of Mr. Olympia.

However, no external accomplishment gave Arnold inner satisfaction, and he continued to be driven, throughout his adult life, to want to prove his manhood, by conquering women. He expressed no remorse, for participating in a locker room gang-bang of a black woman, and made it his trademark to walk up to unsuspecting women, and grope their breasts. He found no inner satisfaction from marrying a classy lady...Maria Shriver...and continued to need to prove his manhood by having a long-term, adulterous relationship with a 16-year old girl.

Thinking he might finally prove his worth, by becoming governor, Arnold then encountered the greatest humiliation of his life, when the members of the California Nurses Association campaigned against him. All of those ladies whose adulation Arnold desperately needed, were following him around the state and mocking him at his campaign rallies!

It was this ultimate humiliation that led Arnold to give up all of his political values, in order to gain the favor of these women. He realized that the Democrats were on the winning side, so he fired his Republican consultants, and hired Democrats, and used the chameleon-like nature of an actor, to reshape his public personna. He also raised record amounts of money from the very special interests, that he had promised to work against.

Political consultant, Amy Hurtz, remarked 'Arnold has an insatiable ambition to get ahead, but it is not clear what he has to offer to the public. He has reneged on all of his promises, and has repeatedly changed his positions on all of the issues...going from one extreme to the other. He hasn't come up with any ideas that anyone else hasn't had, and all he has to offer is how great he is, and how we should all idolize him. Meanwhile he has given up on his promise to solve the budget deficit, has become beholden to all of the special interests that he once spoke out against, and has become a big spender. Now, he is using all of his skill and experience, as a master womanizer, to charm the pants off of the public, and seduce them into re-electing him. Will we all wake up, the morning after, and realize we have been screwed?'

Nobody expects that Arnold will have finally earned a sense of personal self-worth, by being re-elected governor, so it is universally acknowledged, that...although he hasn't accomplished anything for the public good, as governor... the next step in his insatiable ambition will be to run for Senator.

And of course, he will still feel inadequate, being simply he will continue with his previously expressed desire to change the entire US Constituion, to allow his amazing stupendous self to become president. Then...maybe then....his father would have respected him as living up to his father's mentor's conqueror of the entire world.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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