Major League Umpires Told, "Keep It Clean!"

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Friday, 27 October 2006

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Who Says Umpires Are Blind?

Tiger Stadium, Detroit, Michigan - Major League Baseball Chief of Umpires, Blind Mississippi White Boy Pigsfeet Dupree has told the empiric crews working the World Series, "Keep it clean."

"Stuff handkerchiefs in your little pant pockets and pack extra boxes of Kleenex to hand out to the ball players in case of emergency."

"Those television cameras can be really cruel. They can pick up every little blemish or skin blotch. Tell everyone to be careful. Tiptoe carefully when live and in person.

"You need to be prepared in case a Cardinal or Tiger gets dirt in his eyes or mud on his cleats. "Then you can step in and offer to clean the guys up. It will look good on camera. It will make you look concerned."

"And don't forget home. Take every chance to kick the dirt out of the batter's box and off the plate. That way you'll not only look official, but also appear to be working hard at the same time."

Dupree continued with his oustanding advice:

"Make sure your uniform is freshly pressed. Give things a careful, official inspection. We don't want fans to think we've fallen down on the job or that we've got sloppy ball players. Be sure to check under their fingernails. Look for emery boards and just plain old dirt. Remember pine tar is limited to the bat grip and is contraband in the hands of certain cagey pitchers.

"And don't forget to tell the players and coaches to keep it clean. There are live mikes everywhere. Now, go out there and umpire a wonderful game."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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