The Final Oppression Of The Press

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 28 October 2013

At last the Government have decided to step in and sort out the wildly out of control British media. Back and to the Left news has been following Ed Miliband's crusade to get all news outlets to heel to the politicians whim like a good dog. It finally looks like he has got his way and for the first time in three hundred years the UK will no longer have a fully independent free press! We will (goose) step into line with other great countries that suppress their nations journalists, countries like North Korea and the mighty Zimbabwe!

Back and to the Left news is glad (and were sure you are as well) that the "nasty wasty" newspapers will be told what they can and cannot say about everything. It is disgusting to think that the current journalistic establishment think it's OK to print how MP's are wasting tax payers money on second homes and fancy meals. How dare newspapers think that it's fine to report on every scandal that these fine servants of the great British people get up to. How dare they say that Ed Miliband's dad hated Britain!

But now that the politicians have teamed up with "Hacked Off" (a group of celebrities lead by Hugh Grant who should definitely have a say in how this country is run. I mean did you see his performance in "About A Boy") we will soon have a press that paints these knights in shining armour in the correct golden light they deserve to be in. Really do we want to hear that award winning actors are getting blowjobs from hookers in cars?

Who cares that we will no longer find things like MP's using their position to claim £120K of freebies for things such as the Wimbledon final. If they decide to pull out (like Ed's dad should have) of promises that won them elections why should we hear about it? I mean all the British people really need to know about is the sad pasts of X-factor contestants and how Strictly is splitting up perfectly happy marriages. If a MP trousers a extra few grand by sitting on the board of a energy company that has just jacked up it's prices due to no parliamentary opposition do we really need to know? Of course we don't now get back to watching Geordie Shore.

Finally the politicians and the rich can rest easy; no longer will the papers be able to report on corruption, incompetence or general bad behaviour. They can speed to their SnM mistresses whilst screaming "move out of the way you fucking plebs" as much as they want now.

A philosopher once said "Go back to bed America, your government is in control" the same can finally be said for the UK "Go back the bed Britain your Government is in control". Go and watch Big Brother because if this regulation happens he'll soon be watching you.

Back and to the Left news are sorry to hear of the death knells of free speech but quite simply are not surprised.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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