Pigeon craze hits London clubs

Written by IainB

Tuesday, 24 September 2013


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I'm a pigeon. Ok, no I'm not, I'm an Ostritch.

Head bobbing, foot tapping, arm flapping movement has started appearing in London clubs across the capital, London. Called simply Pigeon it is more than a dance craze, it's a dress sense, a diet and a way of life.

"I'm a Pigeon," said Paul Bunner, formerly an artisan baker from Notting Hill. "I've adopted the whole caboodle."

Adopters of Pigeon wear a distinctive style of clothing, mostly grey, but with red shoes and a red or electric blue (or both) scarf. Hats are simply not an option.

"I particularly love the dancing," said Bunner. "Strutting my stuff on the dance floor."

The dance is particularly distinctive, with enough neck movement to worry osteopaths, although up to now, nobody has suffered a serious neck injury. With each neck movement the feet must move in synchrony, the rest of the body perfectly stationary.

"It's great to see half a dozen or more Pigeons on the floor," said Bunner. "We move in perfect sync."

As well as the clothing and the dancing, food is important to Pigeons.

"We eat a lot of chips," said Bunner. "There's no real restriction on the food, as long as it's discarded. It's a very cheap way of life. Discarded kebabs are my favourite."

Pigeons therefore have to adopt a unique way of life, that involves spending much of the day searching for discarded food, or after dancing in the clubs, following a kebab eating drunk in the expectation it would be dropped.

"There's more to our way of life than eating and dancing and wearing clothes," said Bunner. "The most important part is finding a nice bright shiny car, and having a shit on it."

The police have been alerted about the new craze, but must catch the Pigeons in the act of stealing food on crapping on cars. With the police swooping in on Pigeons, and taking them away. Instead of calling them pigs, as most people do, because this is the first part of Pigeon, the Pigeons have instead termed the police 'Cats'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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