Lights, Camera, Action: South London Film Director to Remake Classic

Written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 7 August 2013


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The bright lights of Balham

It may not have the same ring about it and might be a surprising choice of title but Tooting film director and auteur J. Arthur Rancour is convinced that his new film will be a resounding success.

The long awaited "Last Exit to Balham" is currently on set and due for worldwide release in 2014.

Loosely based on the film of the book "Last Exit to Brooklyn", the plot is transposed to current day Balham in the London borough of Wandsworth. Whereas the original was set against a backdrop of union corruption and violence in 1950s Brooklyn, with a prostitute falling in love with one of her customers, the south London version will expose the seamier side of the bright lights of Balham.

Mr. Rancour spoke candidly to The Spoof's Entertainment Editor, Sy Cophant.

"The revamped plot is really exciting, if not a little racy. It concerns the adventures of a young pneumatic blonde Polish émigré named Ewa who comes to London to work as as a sour-faced cashier in the Tooting Bec branch of Lidl. Despite the wealth of European foods available there, you know bratwurst, rye bread et cetera, it's not long before Ewa's cravings lead her to the local Polish delicatessen in order to get the ingredients for chlopski posilek and golabki and it is there that she meets a young Somali student doing work experience.

"They quickly discover that they have a shared passion for savoury sausage and stuffed cabbage, if you know what I mean, and soon one thing leads to another. From then on the film becomes a headlong journey of self-destruction taking in the pubs and restaurants of Balham nightlife as well as the 99p Store and the privately-owned sewing machine museum which is open by appointment only. It will also feature a couple of traditional Balham activities: dogging at Tooting Bec Lido and alcohol fuelled late night exhibitionist sex and bukkake on a car bonnet in Sainsbury's car park in full view of the CCTV.

"It's all tastefully done, soft focus stuff except for the really hardcore bits, but they are essential for the plot - and cinema takings of course.

"Eventually Ewa wonders why her beau will only have sex after dark or with her blindfolded. After spying on him in the bathroom she is distraught to discover that 'he' is really a hairy woman and he, or rather she confesses to have been secretly using an Errol Flynn size strap-on dildo on Ewa.

"As you can see it's a tear-jerker and it's also an eye-opener on life in south London and with the exposure of this soon-to-be British film classic I'm hoping it will lead to a tourist boom in Balham and Tooting."

A spokesman for the local shopkeepers' association, Balham Partnership, expressed his enthusiasm for the project.

"For fifty years Balham has been known only as 'The Gateway to the South' thanks to Peter Sellers' work but now Mr. Rancour's film should bring the world's attention to the fact that Balham has moved into the twenty first century, although we are a little concerned about the recent complaints of dried semen on cars parked overnight at Sainsbury's"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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