Wolfie Smith Returns to Tooting in Balham Film Director's New Release

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 13 August 2013


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Booty Labumba: no longer stacking shelves

In recent years he has been derided for incomprehensible plots, wooden dialogue, cheap sets, plagiarism, sloppy editing, an over reliance on using south London locations, use of the casting couch and gratuitous sex, but the enfant terrible of the Balham film industry, J. Arthur Rancour, brushes off all criticism and ploughs on regardless.

In an interview with The Spoof's Entertainment Editor, Sy Cophant, at Rancour's luxurious Balham Hill bedsit which doubles as the office for his production company, Cinema Paradiso-Balham, Rancour called his latest piece a "labour of love". The film "Citizen Smith and the Balham Bolsheviks" combines typical Rancour themes: politics and the struggle for liberation from dictatorial local government officers and their street parking policies, violence and nudity, all set within the tight confines of Balham and Tooting locations.

"It's been a tough few months" he confessed "but I have finally managed to reach an out of court settlement with the parents of the Japanese teenagers who accused me of upskirt filming on the Clapham stretch of the Northern Line. It was a ridiculous accusation and, despite what they say, I didn't even know the camera in my shopping bag was switched on."

Rancour has somehow managed to convince veteran comedy actor Robert Lindsay to return to the character he portrayed in the 1970s - Tooting revolutionary Wolfie Smith. Co-starring in this south London epic is Rancour's latest girlfriend who he talent spotted stacking the shelves in Balham High Road's 99p Store. She is Brazilian bombshell and ex-porn star, Booty Labumba, performing her first straight acting role as Lulu, Wolfie's Marxist girlfriend.

Rancour explained.

"Robert was out of work and was excited by the plot whereby Wolfie returns from exile after his 30 year defection to North Korea. While there Wolfie had spent his time acting in propaganda films, learning the art of guerrilla warfare and running a gourmet restaurant in Pyongyang specialising in dishes of tree bark and nettles. It's a serious role but Robert managed to adapt although we had to keep editing out his ad lib shouts of 'freedom for Tooting'. Booty on the other hand was a dream to work with. She didn't quibble at all with the nude scenes, in fact it was hard to get her to put her clothes back on sometimes and when Robert refused to do the sex scene with her she was quite put out.

"So it was down to me as usual which is probably best as Robert didn't quite measure up to Booty's expectations, but then again I am blessed in that department. So we did it in one take, with me holding the camera, on the roof of a 155 bus going past Clapham Common, along Tooting High Street and finishing, quite literally both at once, at St. George's Hospital. We're still out on bail, but it was worth it. Standing in for Robert was not a problem as you only see me from the waist down, while Booty's facial expressions and all too genuine groans tell the whole story and the beauty of it makes me quite emotional.

"Anyway, it's a liberation struggle in which the reformed Tooting Popular Front takes up arms and sets up strong points in Balham library and Tooting market in their fight against a fat blond idiot savant dictator who controls London. The SAS is called out to put down the rebellion and the denouement takes place in the rabbit warren of Tooting market where Wolfie and Lulu are hunted down. During the chase Lulu's clothes are shredded by the explosion of a mortar bomb so that she is left wearing just her patent leather thigh boots, as she and Wolfie caress while the SAS closes in on them in a Caribbean takeaway. Wolfie doesn't know it but Lulu has secreted a hand grenade in her bodily cavity and with her hand between her legs she pulls the pin and blows them both to smithereens. So moving.

"No, how dare you? What do you mean? It's not a straight to DVD film, it's a work of art and its world premiere takes place in Balham library next week. For some reason we haven't yet found any cinemas willing to show it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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