Pope Francis has outlined a raft of measures that are set to rock the very foundations of the Catholic Church - by welcoming gays and lesbians into his flock.
If approved, the Church is set to undergo the most radical changes in its history. Some commentators believe the shock changes will be on a par with 1994 when Jif, the domestic cleaning product, changed its name to Cif.
Box Set
Speaking at his Papal retreat and wearing a Village People uniform the Holy Father said "This outfit is just the start of the re-branding programme. The Church has been losing customers at an alarming rate and we need to win back our market share. I was initially reluctant and very anti gay. But not any more - I've even downloaded everything by Kylie and Steps and bought a Graham Norton DVD box set. He's hilarious."
Plans for 'Ponce-ification' of the Church include:
• Re-working the Nativity by erasing Mary from the record books. Instead it will feature Jesus, Steve and Joseph and their lesbian surrogate mother Amber
• Re-branding the Holy Trinity as God The Giver, God The Taker and God The Bi-Curious Voyeur
• Re-writing the story of Doubting Thomas where Thomas is married but has serious doubts about his sexuality and marriage to Susan
• The betrayal by Judas Iscariot for 30 pieces of silver sequins on a pair of Christian Louboutins
The carefree Pontiff appeared to camp it up for the cameras by sashaying and mincing around before screeching "Oooohhhh, is it hot in here or is it me ?" as he adjusted his PVC gimp mask. "Get meeeee !!!! I'm all in a tizz."
Hair
Rupert*, believes however that this is all an elaborate act by the Pontiff to divert attention from in-house ritual child abuse by priests. He says "I doubt the Pope's motives here but he has killer legs so I forgive him. Jesus would have done so I'm in good company I suppose."
The Pontiff bizarrely brought the meeting to a close with a mock Larry Grayson** impersonation. He told a waiting choirboy to "shut that door" and observed "what a gay day" it was before finishing off his witty routine with "seems like a nice boy."
*Pseudonym
** Real name
