Heterosexual marriage rates plummet; gay marriage rates skyrocket, studies show

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Tuesday, 23 July 2013


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WASHINGTON, AC/CD --- In wake of the U. S. Supreme Court's decision that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is "unconstitutional," the U. S. marriage rate has plummeted to an all-time low-among heterosexuals. The rate of gay marriages, on the other hand, continues to increase, from zero (legal) marriages to several dozen.

Marriage has lost much of its romance, among heterosexuals, social scientists suggest, "now that any Tom, Dick, and Harry" can marry one another. Some researchers contend that there is a "correlation" between the fall of heterosexual and the simultaneous rise of homosexual marriages. "Now that they have a choice in the matter, many men are opting to marry other men instead of women and many women are choosing to we other women rather than men," Dr. Ima Dick said.

Dr. Lei Bia suggests that "cohabitation" may play a role in the decreases in the opposite-sex marriage rate and the increase in the same-sex marriage rates. Heterosexuals have adopted the gay practice of shacking up, without benefit of marriage, while homosexuals have adopted the straight practice of getting hitched.

"They each want what the other group took for granted," Bia declares. As a result, the gay crowd is learning about "self-sacrifice, responsibility, and commitment," while the straight folks discover the pleasures of narcissism, irresponsibility, and a complete disregard for others, including their supposed significant others.

Both Dick and Bia agree that the trend is likely to balance out as gays divorce and straights continue to reproduce. "Children often adopt a lifestyle that is diametrically opposed to that of their parents, so if gay couples' adopted children see that their parents are married, they are likely to remain single, just as straight couples' kids, observing that their mothers and fathers are single, are likely to marry when they become adults."

It is also possible, some social scientists believe, that the disparity between unmarried heterosexuals and married homosexuals may balance out in another way. "Their children might be bisexual," Director of the Sociological Institute for the Study of Sex Boo Bee points out.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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