Cups and Rubbers - Lytham Pen Thief strikes again

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 8 February 2013

image for Cups and Rubbers - Lytham Pen Thief strikes again
Not even plain cups are safe

Police had hoped that the Pen Thief of Lytham St Annes had gone quiet, with no activity on the pen front in several years; however, it now looks like he has started again, this time on memorial mugs and erasers.

"Several years ago," said Jenn Darme, head of the serious stationary theft division of Fylde constabulary, "there was a serious theft of an entire pen museum by this miscreant. We had hoped that he would surface when the pens were attempted to be sold, or melted down. However, we now suspect that the pens are a trophy, and will never see the light of day again. This is a shame, as some of the pens are worth nearly a quid."

Despite there being no serious activity on the stationary theft side for many years, the thefts have started up again.

"The thief," said Darme, "seems to be targeting novelty mugs emblazoned with company logos, and those small novelty erasers that go on the end of pencils and make it difficult to write. However, we've also had reports of cups with any logo on also going missing."

The most recent high profile theft saw the loss of one of each of the latest RBS Mug Set, with photos of the managers getting more than a million in bonuses on the side.

"They may have been taken," said Darme, "or they may have just been smashed by an annoyed employee. We're not ruling anything out."

The police still have no leads on the Pen Thief of Lytham, but do suspect that he is a high ranking member of some secret society, like the scouts or the FA.

"Somebody must know who this miscreant is," said Darme. "We urge any members of the public with any information to ring crime-stoppers on 007007 007007. That number goes straight through to the assassination arm of Crimestoppers, as we want this criminal stopped permanently."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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