Britain's Oldest Woman in fear of her life

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

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Emily Harrison puts her long life down to avoiding being murdered

Emily Harrison, Britain's oldest woman has contacted police, afraid for her life.

"She believes that Maggie Davies of Kings Close in Dorking is gunning for her, in order to take the title of oldest woman in Britain for herself," said Detective Inspector Jen Darme, head of the Serious Old Age Pensioner Crime Division.

So far, other than a motive, the police do not know how Mrs Davies would be able to reach Mrs Harrison.

"Mrs Harrison lives about two hundred miles from Mrs Davies," said Darme, "and Mrs Davies travels everywhere on a motobility scooter. The range of a motobility scooter is not sufficient for her to reach Mrs Harrison."

Nevertheless, police are taking the concerns of Emily Harrison very seriously.

"We're taking Mrs Harrison's concerns very seriously," said Jen Darme. "She's one hundred and seventeen years old, and has full command of her faculties. With such a wealth of experience behind her, we're sure that she's got grounds for her concerns."

Mrs Harrison has successfully avoided being murdered by three other challengers to her title of Britain's Oldest Woman, all three of whom had been plotting to kill her.

Two of them have died in prison, and one during a taser attack from police who raided her Newcastle home.

"We don't believe the dead old ladies are any threat to Mrs Harrison now," said Darme. "Mrs Davies, however, is still very much alive, and a clear and present danger to anybody older than her. Which is only Mrs Harrison."

Maggie Davies has recently updated her Facebook profile to say that she is innocent, but police believe that this is a red herring to throw them off the scent.

"Who's ever heard of somebody that age being able to update a Facebook status?" asked Darme. "We think that might have been a great-grandchild. We shall be investigating all eighteen of her great-grandchildren to see who is in cahoots with Mrs Davies helping her commit an heinous crime!"

Mrs Harrison refused an interview on the grounds that the reporter looked shifty and was trying to kill her.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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