In a shock revelation, Sebastian (Lord) Coe has announced a new competition that will feature heavily on our TV screens, newspaper front pages and social media for the next few weeks.
"As soon as the Paralympics is over" states Lord Coe, "we will open the games to decide who gets the honours - Olympic, Paralympic athletes or Civil Servants - because they are strictly rationed by a Civil Service committee".
The Honolympics is expected to feature endurance, agility and strength events but will not require contestants to display athletic ability.
The main HonoLympic event will be the Decathlon, when Stapling, Collating, Filing, Folding, Minute Taking, Tea drinking, Using 12" ruler, Best Compass point, biscuit selecting and Sheer Inertia In The Face Of Change will be competed.
Doris (Leatherface) Osgood, the 1936 champion is expected to achieve a carbon-copy victory.
The Opening Ceremony will be in the presence of Sir Jimmy Savile, who is to be disinterred for the occasion.
Sir President Comrade Danny Boyle has declined to direct the festivities as he will be undergoing prostate cosmetic surgery in a clinic in downtown Algiers. Danny's spokesman, the former Tony Bliar has stated that Mr Boyle's application for NHS treatment was laughed out of court by the GOSH (Graduated Ovary Stratification Hotel).
As Mr Bliar was helped back into his stretch Hummer (otherwise known as his wife's gob) he was heard to request that the cheque be made out to cash.
Lord Coe said, "in closing, I just want to point out that I do not actually give a flying fuck who gets the MBEs, Knighthoods etc - because I've got mine already".
