Vinnie Jones ad inspires NHS reforms: 'Now we'll do everything to music!'

Funny story written by shufflewick71

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

image for Vinnie Jones ad inspires NHS reforms: 'Now we'll do everything to music!'
Staff will be encouraged to prepare dance routines pre-surgery, to lighten the mood mid-op

After the recent television advertisements featuring former footballer, nut squasher and now Hollywood actor, Vinnie Jones, promoting the application of chest compressions to the rhythm of the Bee Gees smash hit tune, 'Staying Alive', government bigwigs have now announced today that NHS reforms will include the addition of music to all departments within the NHS.

Acclaimed surgeon, and presenter of Radio 4 medical phone in show, 'A Quick Slash,' Rafe Bagwash-Gumm, praised the plans as one of the best of the reforms:

'One does extol the virtues of music as a crucial part of therapeutic care, not to mention we can have a right old knees up in the operating theatre, speaking personally of course. I will be performing appendectomies to the melodic tones of Cat Stevens 'The first cut is the deepest', vasectomies to 'There goes my baby,' by the fabulous Drifters, and we will have the dulcet tones of Dolly Parton, during breast enlargements, for..well..obvious reasons.'

Questioned by hacks at the press conference, held at the Department of Health offices in London, as to whether the music will compromise patient safety during surgery, Mr Bagwash-Gumm stated:

'Poppycock! I could perform most surgery standing on my head, with or without music. In fact, I once did. It was a tonsillectomy, and those buggers get so bloody boring.'

Operating theatre is not the only hospital department that the plans will extend to. Senior Midwife, Florence Stork said:

' Only a few women are lucky to have their babies after a short labour, so it will be wondrous to have their very special time helped along by the soothing musical accompaniment of 'Push It' by Salt 'n' Pepa.'

Reports that colonic irrigation will be performed to anything by Justin Bieber couldn't be substantiated, as no gastroeneterolgists were present to comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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