Dorking Checkout operator goes postal

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 8 December 2011

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Stuck in a rut

A checkout operator at Tesbury's on the High Street was arrested yesterday after "going postal" as her manager described it.

It required four police officers to subdue Hilary Dale as she rampaged around the fresh produce section hurling fruit and vegetables at customers.

"She just snapped," said store manager, Asa Morrison. "Hilary threw all the shopping off the conveyor and jumped on it."

According to shoppers, Ms Dale was screaming about hearing Fairy Tale of New York for the 'billionth' time when she began her one woman crusade against anything not nailed down.

"She was throwing pineapples at shoppers," said Morrison. "Screaming 'The NYPD choir sings Galway Bay' at them."

Police arrived within fifteen minutes of being called, considered an excellent response time, especially as they had to negotiate the nearly fifty yards of car park between the police station on High Street and the store.

"We have taken Ms Dale into custody," said arresting officer, Mark Smudged. "She claims that the supermarket was running Christmas songs on a loop that was one hour thirteen minutes and fifty-two seconds long, containing thirty songs. She not only new the words to each and every one of them, she knew the order they were played, and has proved this in the cells."

"This is a common syndrome at this time of year among shop assistants," said the first psychologist located, doctor Karl Young. "In the trade we call it Christmas Record Anxiety Paranoia. it stems from overexposure to Christmas songs."

Police have issued a warning to shop owners, to ensure that staff are given plenty of rest from Christmas tunes or the extended set that last seven hours, thirty-two minutes and twelve seconds is used instead.

"It's in everybody's interest," said PC Smudge.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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