In a revolutionary initiative driven by breweries, the government, and a delegation from the FTSE's Top 100, beer prices will be reduced to a pound a pint in time for Christmas, with cigarette prices plunging to fifty pence a packet, and the lifting of the smoking ban in pubs, work and public places.
The new laws will come into effect on November 31st, and are bound to prove a massive hit with the electorate.
The Prime Minister announced the measures this evening to a half empty house, saying that a think tank had linked the recession hit economy with the closure of hundreds of pubs up and down the country.
"Pubs form a central core element of our economy, and of our social heritage," he stated. "When pubs are suffering financially, it's a reflection of the nation's financial well being. It quickly became clear that people simply weren't using pubs - so we took a long hard look at the smoking ban and the price of beer at the bar. We concluded that drink and cigarettes are currently far too expensive, and that not only are people avoiding pubs - they're also avoiding the High Street because they can't just pop in the pub any more, for a pint, a ciggy and a chat. Following extensive talks, we decided to axe the smoking ban and slash the prices. That should get people out and spending. A fag puffing, beer-swilling nation is a happy nation."
A spokesperson from the Employers Federation welcomed the end of the no smoking in the workplace era, saying that the smoking in the workplace ban had effectively cost the nation billions in lost production revenue, as millions of workers 'just nipped out for a quick fag,' on average, about seven times in any given working day.
The moves were welcomed by Worthing Casanova, Alf Starling, 104, a twenty-a-day viagra addict and notorious lothario.
"This is great news," Starling said. "Now I can lie back and puff on a nice B&H after entertaining one of my lusciously lovely young lady friends after the pub shuts and not feel guilty about it. It'll be just like the good old days. Providing I can remember where I put the ashtrays."
More as we get it.
