London - Media bollox about a move to Princess Margaret Thatcher's former Kensington Palace grace and favor bolthole were dealt a death blow today.
An RAF announcement has confirmed Kate Middleton's chopper pilot husband William is to be sectioned - er...stationed! - at a bleak Scottish hellhole called Lossiemouth on the drab North Eastern coast next year.
The cultural backwater's biggest draw is a working men's club for non-hetero North Sea oil rig workers which vies for business with the neighboring Coversea Fishwives Knitting & Crochet Circle nighterie.
Another attraction is the town's STD clinic where oil rig casualties of cheap foreign sex romps regularly stare at the business end of a speculum.
Local hairdressing salon cum beauty parlor 'Short N Curlies' is another attraction and was in the news recently after announcing the details of its world famous 'internal' fish paste cure for IVF-failed fertility issues.
Proprietor Mrs Mavis Cockle-Limpet told reporters today she could 'sort Kate out' in a trice with her renowned anchovy remedy - whose track record in reversing dead-end conception issues had already filled local primary schools with scores of new young Lossiemouthers.
"Ooch aye, it takes a few weeks for the pickling process to kick in," Cockle-Limpet admitted, "and during that time all my married couples are advised to refrain from lovemaking.
"Of course during that 'quarantine period' my Gold Standard Service clients are more than welcome to avail themselves of one of my resident sperm machines, such as Big Al or Horny Horace, who don't mind the smell or texture one bit.
"Wanna see pics of how the Old Queen Mum managed to first get pregnant circa 1842?"
