Written by Jack Leonard

Sunday, 9 October 2011

image for Tories To Instil 'Blitz Spirit' By Bombing London
That's Tottenham Sorted, Then

Following David Cameron's passionate pleas at the Tory Conference, party leaders have come up with a way to instil 'can-do optimism' and 'bulldog spirit' into the British people: by re-enacting the Blitz.

In order to achieve the Government's targets on employment, urban regeneration and economic growth, plans are being drawn up which would once again see the German Luftwaffe drop bombs on London. This time, however, they'll be able to go about their business without the 'Few' getting in the way.

"What we're hoping for," said a senior civil servant, "is that the weapons are a little more accurate than their 1940's counterparts. The populace can rebuild a Blitz spirit in our newly-refurbished London Underground stations while our German neighbours efficiently raze the poorer areas to the ground. The Prime Minister mentioned that foundations are the most important part of the country's new 'house'. This way, we'll get to see them from the very beginning."

After a brief pause while those journalists who dared to request estimated casualties were ejected, the Whitehall man went on to list the scheme's advantages.

"First of all," he said, "it's difficult to riot in the streets when there aren't any. Secondly, this plan will clear the way for new housing, without touching the Green Belt, and will mark the dawn of a golden era for the building industry. Those left without homes can get jobs rebuilding them, simultaneously lowering the unemployment figures. And finally, as if the news isn't already good enough, the Luftwaffe has assured us that the contract to replace any used ordnance will go to BAE.

"What's not to like?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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