The Yankees Are Dead

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Sunday, 4 September 2005

image for The Yankees Are Dead
Bean Ball War

Yankee Stadium, Da Bronx---The New York Yankees have rolled over and are playing dead in a very serious bean bag war that has broken out in Major League Baseball with the Yankees beans being the favorite target of hard throwing opposition pitchers.

Manager Joe Torre has summarized the desperate situation as beyond repair. "You need to step lively onto the field and show some pep. It doesn't matter if your arm has fallen off (an apparent reference to Mike Mussina's sore wing) or your shoulder is out of whack (an apparent hint at Jaret Wright's new problems). The name of the game is hitting (possibly a strategic suggestion to the team), pitching (a hint to management), running (perhaps wishful thinking) and catching (another sly hint) and if we can do that we have a heck of a shot and if those other guys keep trying to pelt us with the slinks and arrows of outrage it will be their misfortune because we are going to have to turn this baseball tragedy around and survive on our own wits and basic instincts and finely tuned baseball skills and pull a victory out of the craven grasp of defeat."

Torre calls Pitching Coach Mel Stottlemyre and Baseball Guru Billy Connors for a dugout conference. "Let's get in syngc a capella... . All together now."

To the stadium grand Howitzer organ player, he suggests, "Maestro, if you will. Give me a few choruses, A one a two, ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game. Take me out of this crowd."

PR Man Joe Girardi, "Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks."

Stottlemyre, "I don't care if I ever come back. This is the wrong time of the day for taking a loss. Oh. You've Got To Have Heart."

Broadcaster John Sterling, "Miles and miles of heart."

Don Mattingly, "What about ‘Willie Mickey and The Duke? We could use some more hitting."

Joe Torre, "We can always use hitting."

Mel Stottlemyre, "And winning pitching."

General Manager Brian Cashman, "I like winning pitchers but I have a headache tonight, darlings! We're going to stick to finding professional baseball players."

Manager Joe Torre, "Luckily we have no tooot-aches."

Pitching Coach Stottlemyre, "But we do have backaches. Too many to take any Pride In These Yankees."

George Steinbrenner sums up the dire situation, "Slam Dam Yankees. We've got to stop the losing Now. We'll find a Few Good Men. Brian, check the waiver wire. Get our scouts out there checking out the local talent. We'll find good players. The Yankees Will Win Again."

From the bench Derek Jeter, Randy Johnson, Alex rodriguez and Jason Giambi politely suggest, "How about some new uniforms and clean balls."

Game time is seven pm sharp.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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