Eastlands: "Top at Last" read the press announcement from Man City as the misspelling of Mankini (the Borat version of the male bikini) and Roberto Mancini, 'current' Manchester City manager, made it to the top in the Ebay Spring & Summer Misspelling Search List in the Fashion/Men's Clothing/Swimwear Category.
The awards; held every year, around Spring and Summer, on Ebay UK, were greeted by cheers outside Eastlands as City fans NOT FROM MANCHESTER descended on the ground as an impromptu press conference was held by Garry Cook, CEO of Manchester City.
Clumsy Cook, famous for Introducing Uve Rosler into the 'Manchester United Hall of Fame', asked the crowd if they wanted the good news or the bad news first. Unfortunately, Mr Cook fell to his knees and had an uncontrollable laughing fit.'
"The good news" they all shouted.
"Thank you, thank you, he-he-he, We're not known for being the Giddy Blues for nothing you know, ha-ha-haar-haar...aar, ahem, oh dear..... Well finally I am able to bring you some good news as we finally go top of a league. I am pleased to announce we are top of the misspelling list for Mancini and Mankini in the Ebay Swimwear Category."
"YEEEEEESSSSSS" cried the crowd as they went ballistic and shouted and jumped for joy. Singing and dancing like children, they wept openly and pissed themselves, quite literally, as they got one over on their neighbours Trafford Urinals.
"Them fukkin cockney rags, fukkin yesss, fukkk em orll, bet th'iv never wun this troaphy before eh, nah, fukkin yoosless bunch of suthern twats." laughed Mick, 39 of Oldham, which is not in Manchester, funnily enough sporting a rather ironic 100% MANC T-Shirt.
"Fuckin av some of that ya Purple Nose Cheatin Bastard, we've done it at last, all you new bitter reds can go fuck off Dahhn Sarrf, cos this city is ours, even though I come from Bury!!!" beamed Pete, 28 a city fan from Bury, which is in Lancashire.
"I've waited for over 30 odd years for this moment when we overtake the plastics and start to win things again. They might have won the premier league already, but that's two trophies in one season for us." trumped Jim from Rochdale, strangely again, which is in Lancashire and not Manchester.
Fellow members of the press were more interested in the Bad News that Mr Cook had lined up, and as we all scrambled forward, Mr Cook got up after rolling about the floor again uncontrollably, like an acid influenced teenager, seeing double for the very first time.
"Apologies, Apologies, ha-ha-ha, harr-harr, arrrr." chuckled Mr Cook.
"C'mon Cookie! what's the bad news?" we all shouted.
"Err we won't actually errr, get a trophy off them" sighed Cook.
"Eh, what's this...What the fuck" jeered the crowd, baying for blood.
"Well erm...bugger...whooaahh!" Cook stooped down and as the giant bananas began to hit him, he struggled to hold the mic and he fell onto the floor. Whilst down, he couldn't help but squeeze out another uncontrollable fit of laughter, before up-righting himself and dusting himself down to continue.
"I know I know," he said apologetically, "But there is some light at the end of the tunnel, allowing us all to be Giddy again. When we asked Ebay if they had a trophy to garnish our now 'Cobweb Free' cabinet, unhappily they simply told us to look in the Sporting Goods/Football/Trophies/Trophy/Engraving Available/ Category and we could pick one up engraved for around £25. Better than that though, I've been bidding on one for 7 days and managed to get it at £21 delivered 2nd class and here it is!"
As Cook lifted the trophy, the crowd went wild, screaming with all their might....."FUKKKKIIIINNN YEEEEESSSSSS" "YEEEEESSSSS"
"The city is ours, the city is ours, so fuck off back to London, the city is ours" sang the crowd.
As Cook looked up, trophy aloft, and just as he announced there would be more news..... the clouds parted and 3 glowing figures appeared 'in a blazing chariot'
The traffic stopped, Asda shoppers stopped shopping, the crowd hushed, the air became still, the last splinters of a lovely summer evening sun glistened through the Halo like Crown of Thorns each of the 3 glowing figures adorned, as they descended down to Eastlands on their epic journey.
"I Bring you;" announced Cook, "Messi, Ronaldo and Iniesta"
"YEEEEESSSSSSS" went the crowd and they all started to giggle uncontrollably on the floor. "Champione, Champione, oh wey oh wey oh wey" - "The Lot, we're gonna win the Lot, we're gonna win the Lot, We're gonna win the Lot" sang the fans, referring to a unique quadruple of CL, PL, FA & Carling cup next year.
As Messi took to the platform, the crowd hushed again. "Because of this Trophy, I now want to play at Man City....All hail the Mancini Mankini" beamed the little Spaniard as all 3 stars took off their gowns and showed the waiting crowd their new blue and white mankinis.
The Project, once seemingly impossible, had finally Come of Age.
