FIFA have angrily denied claims made by a British newspaper that they have found at least one person in the organisation who is not corruptible.
Secret filming by The News of the Plebs alleges to show Dutch representative Hertz van Rental refusing to accept a bribe from undercover reporters, in return for voting on which country should host the 2018 World Cup. FIFA President Sepp Blatter was quick to deny it:
"I have known Hertz for a long time, and he's as crooked as they come. You don't get to work in FIFA without being completely, totally bent. I remember when we appointed him - he only got the job because he blackmailed me with those photos of me and Jerome Valke making sweet, sweet love to a pig."
"Fans of football across the world have come to expect, and indeed demand, a certain level of incompetence, greed, and dishonesty from their FIFA representatives. Myself and Hertz are the very embodiment of those ideals."
Blatter went on to add that the secret filming techniques used by the newspaper reporters should be looked at more closely:
"Once again, technology has not solved a problem, but created one. At our next general meeting, I will move that these kind of secret cameras be outlawed entirely.
"In future, undercover reporters will use a series of tiny linesmen smuggled inside large bags or oversize hats - they will transcribe entire conversations, and depict the scenes using a non-toxic wax crayon. FIFA believe this to be the best course of action for the future."
Brazilian World Cup legend Pele was approached about his perspective on these events, but was too busy being filmed for a TV commercial where he was dressed as a giant condom. Pele's agent promptly responded that the record-breaking goalscorer would be available for comment "as long as the price is right". He also added:
"Pele would also like to throw his weight behind [INSERT YOUR OWN COUNTRY'S NAME HERE]'s bid to host the [INSERT ANY TOURNAMENT].
"Right... the invoice is in the post."